It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Yomi, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling excessively displeased, Yomi deflowered a dull pencil, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, she realized that her beloved lava lamp was missing! Immediately she called her favorite rape victim, Gobi. Yomi had known Gobi for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Gobi was unique. She was clever though sometimes a little... pestering. Yomi called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Gobi picked up to a very unhappy Yomi. Gobi calmly assured her that most disease-carrying chipmunks yawn before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually scandalously yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Yomi. Why was Gobi trying to distract Yomi? Because she had snuck out from Yomi's with the lava lamp only five days prior. It was a striking little lava lamp... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Yomi got back to the subject at hand: her lava lamp. Gobi panicked. Reluctantly, Gobi invited her over, assuring her they'd find the lava lamp. Yomi grabbed her refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Gobi realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the lava lamp and she had to do it thoughtfully. She figured that if Yomi took the time machine, she had take at least five minutes before Yomi would get there. But if she took the cloud? Then Gobi would be very screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Gobi was interrupted by eleven abrasive zoras that were lured by her lava lamp. Gobi panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she carefully reached for her ninja star and aptly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged zoras began to scurry back toward the fantastic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the cloud rolling up. It was Yomi.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so she knew she was running late. With a apt leap, Yomi was out of the cloud and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Gobi's front door. Meanwhile inside, Gobi was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the lava lamp into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind her canoe. Gobi was exasperated but at least the lava lamp was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Gobi surreptitiously purred. With a heroic push, Yomi opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive self-righteous ass in a pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Gobi assured her. Yomi took a seat alarmingly close to where Gobi had hidden the lava lamp. Gobi grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Yomi was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Gobi noticed a insensitive look on Yomi's face. Yomi slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Gobi felt a stabbing pain in her double chin when Yomi asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the lava lamp right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Yomi's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Yomi nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Gobi could react, Yomi skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The lava lamp was plainly in view.

Yomi stared at Gobi for what what must've been ten nanoseconds. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Gobi groped exotically in Yomi's direction, clearly desperate. Yomi grabbed the lava lamp and bolted for the door. It was locked. Gobi let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Yomi,' she rebuked. Gobi always had been a little annoying, so Yomi knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Gobi did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at her or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, she gripped her lava lamp tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Gobi looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Yomi. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Yomi. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Gobi walked over to the window and looked down. Yomi was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Yomi was struggling to make her way through the haunted thicket behind Gobi's place. Yomi had severely hurt her kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral zoras suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the lava lamp. One by one they latched on to Yomi. Already weakened from her injury, Yomi yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of zoras running off with her lava lamp.

But then God came down with His easygoing smile and restored Yomi's lava lamp. Feeling pleased, God smote the zoras for their injustice. Then He got in His time machine and blasted away with the fortitude of 11,000 long-haired sea monkeys running from a teensy pack of man-eating capybaras. Yomi tripped with joy when she saw this. Her lava lamp was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes her favorite TV show, Lizzie McGuire, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet contraceptive'. Yomi was elated. And so, everyone except Gobi and a few hand grenade-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © [link] ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

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